Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Tennessee Anaconda

Yes, it was another day in the life of Craig and Connie. Shortly after I left home to help a firefighter with his hardwood floor, I got a call from Connie. She said that I was to return home immediately, that there was a snake in the house. So after the guys made fun of the call, I headed home. When I got home it was quite obvious that Connie was shaken up. She said that it was laying behind the couch at first and she thought that I had put it there as a joke. Then it moved. It went into the bedroom and into the closet. So I picture the walk-in closet with a thousand shoes and miscellaneous items. Trying to find a snake in there was going to take a while. When I opened the door things changed! The "snake" threw one of my shot guns to me because he wanted to give me a fair fight. The first thought could be wrapped up with "SH**"! I got a flashlight to size things up while Connie retrieved the grill tongs as my first reality weapon after I ruled out the shot gun due to the mess and damage to the house. It had a narrow head, so my first thought was "not poisonous". The head and tail were on the floor behind one of my gun cases. I noticed that the body went over the top of the gun case. You see the gun was standing on end. The diameter of the body at the top of the gun case was roughly one and a half inches. I took the tongs and began a slow but calculated move towards the head. A loud rattle was then heard. My heart, which now had met the stain in the underwear, had quit working. The hair on my back and up to my head stood up. "Rattler" was the new incoming message to the brain. Time to regroup....

Connie began to look up "HELP" in the phone book. After a deep thought and a call to my buddy, Hunter, I realized that this could not be a rattlesnake and that what ever kind of snake it was, it's tail was wiggling and hitting the gun case and wall. Bigger weapons were needed. While trying to keep my voice from breaking, I calmly asked Connie to go out to the shed and get a clawed hoe. Bless her heart. You see Connie's biggest fear is the wasp. There are wasps in the shed. She brought in about every tool in the shed except the one I asked for. I could have planted a garden. Finally she retrieved what I had asked for. While she was cleaning out the shed, I had managed to grab the snake by the head about three times. Each time it pulled free. When Connie returned, she asked if she could hold the light for me. She was shaking so bad that she could have threaded a sewing machine while it was running. I didn't figure that would be much help. Besides, I wanted a witness that could tell the story if things went wrong. I struck, the snake struck, I struck, the snake struck. I realized that he was better at this than I was. You might think that I am crazy, but I believe this snake had watched a TV show about rattlesnakes. I managed to pin his body about three inches down from the head with the hoe. Connie then grabbed the gun case and I put the tong on his head. Between the two of us we managed to get the snake out of the house and onto the front porch. Connie held the snake down with the hoe while a got the shovel and cut the life out of the monster. We did find that it had the neighbors Pit Bull in his stomach. The actual length after the calm had began to settle was five feet.

I took him over to the firefighters house and showed the boys. As I dragged him in, one of the guys dove for the door. The others were in quite a bit of shock. They decided that Connie had actually been pretty calm when she called.

How did it get in? I really feel that it could have opened the door and walked in. If it could have talked, it would have told us to get out. The only other thing was that I changed out the seal on the front screen door before I left. I took the seal off which left about a one inch gap, took the seal into the garage and changed out the rubber strips, then took it back in and put it on. It must have been watching me work. So if you have any doubts, I can tell you that there are Anaconda's in Tennessee.


Craig and Connie

No comments:

Post a Comment